I’m Still Here

Today is the eve of my 22nd birthday. I have always been a fan of birthdays, I mean why not? You basically get to walk around and flaunt how special you are because you were born. You get presents and hugs and smiles and everyone loves you for one whole day. But this year, I feel differently. I don’t feel excited, I don’t feel like bouncing around and shouting and the top of my lungs that “IT’S MY BIRTHDAY!” Instead I feel accomplished, I feel proud, I made it one more year, I am still here. I am not excited because I’m turning one year older I am excited because I am able to turn one year older. And I feel like that’s wrong, like I need to keep it a secret. No one wants to celebrate that I’m still alive, like me. I’ll tell you why they don’t: It makes people uncomfortable to talk about reality, it makes people uncomfortable to talk about dying.

Listen, I get it. It’s not like I love to think about dying but it’s something that I think about a lot because I have to. I’m a planner. I like to be in control. I prefer always to be realistic about my circumstances but hope for the best outcome. So when faced with cancer, I had to look at all of my options and plan for the best and the worst scenario. I’d say that’s life and death here. Planning for life is very easy. You think of all the things you want to do if you survive and then you start trying to do all of them as soon as possible. It probably won’t go how you planned, keep smiling.

How do you plan for death? Well, it’s very simple. You start thinking things like this, “If I died right now, would I be okay with that?” The word “okay” here means a few different things like am I happy, do I feel good, am I satisfied with my last day, did I do things I wanted to today, am I in a good mood. If the answer to any of these questions is no, than you better turn your day around right quick. This is also surprisingly easy to do. You simply adjust your attitude. A novel concept that my mother has repeated to me thousands of times throughout my life, sometimes with a lovely threat attached at the end. A concept that I never figured out was so easily under my control until I spent everyday wondering if it would by my last.

You see, your attitude, your emotions, your perspective, they are entirely under your control. So if you don’t feel happy or something annoying happened like you got a flat tire, and now you’re going to be late, and you’re dog chewed up all of your new underwear, and then she threw up on the carpet, and everything is just going wrong today and it has put you in a horrible mood, you can just decide to be happy about it. I mean really, what is the best way to get back at your annoying sibling for doing something just to piss you off? Ignore them, ignore what they did, what they’re doing. You say, “Hey universe, I know you’re trying your best to get me down today but good frikkin luck cause I’m just HAPPY!” You can actually sing that last part.

And that is how you conquer the fear of death and embrace one of the many secrets of life. Even now, while I seem to be well on my way over this mountain, I still check in with myself. I may no longer fear dying but I do fear the unknown. I’m afraid of what will happen tomorrow. But I know that all I can do is be happy, keep my attitude in check, and keep smiling.

In regards to my birthday: It is a celebration of my survival for one more year. I don’t think I will ever think of it in any other terms again. Of course, it’s a happy day, but there can also be tears. I will cry, for myself and all of my suffering. I’ll also cry for all of the beautiful angels who didn’t make it to another year. And I will wonder, why me? Why am I so lucky? I will be so grateful that I am still here, I will embrace the beauty of the world all around me and the wonderful people that I get to share it with. And I will love myself for being so strong. I will not tell everyone I see, or wear a tiara, or a sash. I will silently smile, and let the overpowering feeling of accomplishment wash over me as I repeat to myself in my mind “I’m still here.”

xoxo Katherine


Photo on 11-14-14 at 9.50 PM #2Photo on 11-14-14 at 9.51 PM #2

 

Announcement

Hi everyone!

I’ve got some news. Over the past few weeks I’ve realized some things. One, that I have been a terrible blogger (or maybe that I just am a terrible blogger) and two, that I don’t belong here (in LA) any more. So how am I going to fix these problems? Well, I’m going to kick myself in the pants and start blogging again, and I’m going to move.. again. That’s right, I’ll be back home in Seattle in a few short weeks. I must admit, it seems a little rash, but let me assure you that this is a decision that I did not make lightly.

When I first made the move back to LA I wrote this blog post. It was all about “completing the circle.” I’ve since realized that the circle will never be complete. In fact, there is no circle. There is just life and if you are lucky enough to keep living it than that is exactly what you need to do. That is what I need to do. Live my life as the person that I want to be, with the people I want to be around, in the place that I want live. And as much as I’ve tried to make that place be LA, it’s just not. I really, really thought that it was, I mean it definitely was the place for me at one point, but it’s not the place for me now. I’m a different person now, and as much as I want to be where my friends are, I know it’s not the right place for me to be right now. But I also know now that we don’t have to be in the same place to be friends. We are bonded, we love each other, and distance isn’t an obstacle in our friendship, like I used to fear that it would be.

I don’t regret coming back to LA. It was something that I had to do. It was my goal, my reason to keep going, to keep breathing while I was sick. I got through my most miserable days by keeping my focus on one goal, getting back to LA. I didn’t have a countdown to the end of chemo, I had a countdown to when I could move back to Los Angeles, to my friends, to my home. So how could I not go back? I couldn’t see past that goal until I accomplished it. It would have never occurred to me that everything I wanted was right in front of me if I hadn’t come back here. But now I know. So I’m going back. In all honesty, I didn’t give Seattle a fair shot. I did everything I could not to settle down there because I was so focused on returning to LA.

I’m so grateful for the three months that I will have had here. The chance to spend time with some of my favorite people, to show Val one of my favorite places. The chance to try it all again and to realize that things are different now, that I am different now. I am ready to go home now, I’m ready to start my life again.

Thank you all for your support, even through my silence. Expect to hear more from me soon.

xoxo Kathy

Photo on 11-13-14 at 8.46 PM #3