I’ve got some news. Over the past few weeks I’ve realized some things. One, that I have been a terrible blogger (or maybe that I just am a terrible blogger) and two, that I don’t belong here (in LA) any more. So how am I going to fix these problems? Well, I’m going to kick myself in the pants and start blogging again, and I’m going to move.. again. That’s right, I’ll be back home in Seattle in a few short weeks. I must admit, it seems a little rash, but let me assure you that this is a decision that I did not make lightly.
When I first made the move back to LA I wrote this blog post. It was all about “completing the circle.” I’ve since realized that the circle will never be complete. In fact, there is no circle. There is just life and if you are lucky enough to keep living it than that is exactly what you need to do. That is what I need to do. Live my life as the person that I want to be, with the people I want to be around, in the place that I want live. And as much as I’ve tried to make that place be LA, it’s just not. I really, really thought that it was, I mean it definitely was the place for me at one point, but it’s not the place for me now. I’m a different person now, and as much as I want to be where my friends are, I know it’s not the right place for me to be right now. But I also know now that we don’t have to be in the same place to be friends. We are bonded, we love each other, and distance isn’t an obstacle in our friendship, like I used to fear that it would be.
I don’t regret coming back to LA. It was something that I had to do. It was my goal, my reason to keep going, to keep breathing while I was sick. I got through my most miserable days by keeping my focus on one goal, getting back to LA. I didn’t have a countdown to the end of chemo, I had a countdown to when I could move back to Los Angeles, to my friends, to my home. So how could I not go back? I couldn’t see past that goal until I accomplished it. It would have never occurred to me that everything I wanted was right in front of me if I hadn’t come back here. But now I know. So I’m going back. In all honesty, I didn’t give Seattle a fair shot. I did everything I could not to settle down there because I was so focused on returning to LA.
I’m so grateful for the three months that I will have had here. The chance to spend time with some of my favorite people, to show Val one of my favorite places. The chance to try it all again and to realize that things are different now, that I am different now. I am ready to go home now, I’m ready to start my life again.
Thank you all for your support, even through my silence. Expect to hear more from me soon.