I Am Not A Hypocrite! (TFIOS Pre-Review)

Phew! I am beat. My counts are pretty high right now so my doctors have been increasing my chemo doses the last few weeks and I’m really starting to feel it. Either that or I’m feeling tired because I haven’t been able to exercise because of my hip issues/surgery incision. Fortunately, I got my MRI today and will hopefully know tomorrow what the deal is with the bum hip! Praying that it will not effect my running. I’m also feeling a little weird because I’m hoping my counts have dropped enough that they will lower my chemo again. Who wants their counts to be low? Just me.. okay. bye.

So I’ve decided to start reading The Fault In Our Stars by John Greene. In case you haven’t heard, seems like a fictional novel about a cancer patient/teen romance type deal. I’ve been skeptical about reading it because I know that it’s about a cancer patient. I don’t really know anything else about it except that it is being made into a movie. Both of these things make me feel a little bit uncomfortable about it. I first heard about the book while I was deep in chemo and knew that I didn’t want to read it then. I was too emotionally fragile to read about anyone else’s cancer, especially if it was fictional, while I was dealing with the real thing.

The truth of it is that nothing you see on television or hear from other people is going to define your experience with cancer. It is absolutely unique in every aspect for each and every person effected. That’s the truth, and that’s what matters. With that said, it’s hard to keep that in mind when you’re actually going through it. I was constantly comparing myself to other people who had cancer. This person lived, this person died, this person was horribly nauseous, this person had a horrible reaction to that chemo, blah blah blah. Eventually, I would remind myself that these people are not me, they don’t have my cancer, they don’t have my markers, they don’t have my doctors, they don’t have the same body, they are different. We all are. That said, they only way I was really able to solve that problem for myself (during chemo) was to avoid at all costs any stories of other people with cancer. Thus ruling out reading/watching/participating in TFIOS.

When I found out that they were making a movie about it, I became even more suspicious. As most people who have experienced cancer/chemo/radiation know, Hollywood loves to dramatize the experience. That’s great for Hollywood, but not great for people who get diagnosed with cancer and know nothing but what they see on TV, which seems miserable and awful  (i.e. me). Literally, the first thing my nurses said to me at the hospital when I was expressing my concerns was that I should throw anything I’ve seen on TV out the window. This worries me. I cannot support anything that will get so much publicity and touch so many people if it is a misrepresentation. There are already so many misconceptions about cancer/chemo, the world doesn’t need anymore false information. I don’t want anyone else to be as unprepared as I was for a cancer diagnosis.

With all of that said, I’ve been thinking about it a lot and both of those reasons for not reading the book are flawed. First of all, I can’t literally judge a book by its cover. I honestly don’t know anything about the story. All of what I just said is complete speculation on my part and I’m not down for that. Also, I just argued that everyone’s cancer experience is different, therefore, who am I to judge whether or not the characters/plot of this book are accurate or not? How will I ever know if John Green is dealing out “misinterpretations of cancer” if I don’t read the book? Therefore, I must read the book. At least then I will know the truth of it, either way.

Please comment if you’d like to share your perspective, but don’t spoil anything!

Stay tuned for my new review after I read The Fault In Our Stars! Hopefully will have it done by the time I get back from Ireland.

Thanks for reading!

xoxo Kathy

Friday

I’m a little bit bummed out tonight. I’ve been working so hard to get back in shape and build up my stamina and I have been seeing so much progress. So many of the goals that I had set for myself to help me get my life back on track have been achieved and I’m so happy to say that. But since my last round of steroids and vincristine I’ve been having some pain in my right hip. That was about two weeks ago. I figured initially that it was just a symptom of the chemo, but all of my other symptoms have already run there course and the pain is getting worse. Ugh. Can’t a sista catch a break?

I don’t mean to be complaining, I know that I am truly blessed. I am happy and I will continue to be happy and live my life positively no matter what happens, but sometimes you just need to let the bad feelings out. It feels crappy that I have to go through more pain, and that I might have to stop running, and that I have to limp around. It makes me feel weak and limited, a feeling that I just worked very hard to escape from.

I have yet to speak to my doctors about this as I don’t have my next visit for another week, and I was holding onto hope that the sensation would subside. There’s always something scary about presenting the doctor with a new symptom, but there is usually a huge sense of relief after doing so. It is easy to be afraid of the unknown, but once you know what you are facing you can empower yourself to fight back. I’m afraid of what the doctor will say about my hip problem right now. Because when I think about telling her I imagine the worst possible scenarios. Sometimes I let this way of thinking get me down, I let the fear swallow me up for a while. But then I remind myself that there are some things in life that I cannot change, and I need to focus on the things that I can do. Like telling my doctor the problem and getting the facts. Or telling my fear to shove it because I will not give in.

As soon as I know what the problem really is, I can start working towards eliminating it. I just wish I didn’t have one in the first place. Oi! Thanks for reading my rant. I feel a little better now… but my hip doesn’t!

Xoxo Kathy