Something I’ve been pondering this past week,
As my femoral heads continue to deteriorate I find myself harboring more and more frustration towards, well.. my body. It feels as though we’ve been going through a rough patch for the last 18 months, our first and only rough patch of the past 21 years that we’ve been together. We used to be so happy, everything was so wonderful.. until it tried to kill me. I mean seriously, who else is there to blame? My body messed up, it messed up really badly.
Others might not think about this in the way that I do but I find it very easy to separate myself, my soul, from the flesh-vessel that I am bound to. I mean here I am, marrow pumped full of Leukemia cells, with no one to blame but myself. But it wasn’t me, just my body. I did not have any say in the matter, it is my body’s job to produce the appropriate cells. A function that I, as a conscious being, have no control over and never will. I am not my body, I know this now more than ever.
It is an uncomfortable position to be in, with no where to target your negative energy but at your own self. I didn’t do anything to make this happen to me, it just happened. There is no third party to blame, it isn’t the doctors fault, it isn’t my parents fault, it isn’t even really my fault, just a fluke in the system. A fluke in my body’s system, two flukes, if you will. So what is one to do? What are we all supposed to do? All of us cancer patients, innocent souls who’s bodies just got tripped up in the journey of life. How do we live on in this flesh that let us down so hard? I mean, I trusted you, body. I thought you would keep me safe as long as I kept you safe, didn’t throw you off sides of buildings, jump off of bridges, kept you away from poisonous snakes, etc. Now I have to live with you for the rest of my life after you almost killed me?
And in the end, the unavoidable truth comes out. Yes, I do. We all do. As much as I want to be angry at someone or blame someone else for what has happened to me, I just can’t. It was a flaw in my body that brought me here, and nothing and no one else had anything to do with it. The only thing that I can control is my response to this truth. Do I respond with anger and resentment, towards my own self, or do I respond with amnesty and forgiveness? That is my choice.
Once I reached this junction in my thinking process the answer was all too clear. Is there even really a choice? Who would choose to carry the burden of self loathing on their shoulders? Not me! I strive to be happy and enjoy every minute of this life. In order for me to do that, I need to let go of all of this angst towards my body, my stupid hips. I need to make peace with the other half of myself and let us both move on together. After all, I can’t break up with my body, its the only one I’ve got!