It sounds crazy, right?
How could someone miss being poked, prodded, injected, cut open, bed-ridden and drugged up 24/7? I didn’t know the answer to that question either until I started to feel that way and it FUH-REAKED me out. I mean, I lived it, I hated it, it was extremely difficult, but I did it. And then it was over. Right? I mean, RIGHT?!
It’s not over. Even now that I’ve completed the circle, I’ve moved back to LA, I’m restarting my independent, adult life, it’s still not over. And that’s the kicker.
When changes happen in our lives it is only natural to have repercussive emotional responses. Knowing this, I was prepared to feel unsettled, uncomfortable, maybe a little bit depressed and out of place after my move. Even though I know that this is what I want and what I needed to do, I knew that I wouldn’t be able to help having those negative feelings and doubts. I was also expecting to feel emotional about “completing the circle,” ending my cancer experience and accomplishing my goal. However, I was not anticipating all of those emotions correlating. I was not expecting to feel uncomfortable and unsettled because I completed the circle. Neither was I expecting to think things like, “Everything was so much more simple when I was sick,” or “Life was great when I could just lie in bed and watch Netflix all day and it was OK.” I was there, it was not simple and it was not great. But still, now, when I think about it, it seems natural, it seems normal.
When I was diagnosed, I had to make a new normal for myself. I wasn’t aware of myself doing it, adjusting to it, I just did. Everything changed and even though it felt uncomfortable a lot of the time, and it wasn’t where I wanted to be or what I wanted to be doing, it became normal. My comfort zone turned into a hospital waiting room, exam room, chemo room, etc. It relaxed me to watch for blood return from my port as the nurses loaded me up with chemo. Or to watch the blood drip from the bags into the tubing reservoirs, then down the tubes into my body. The medical jargon, the blood counts, the systems of the hospital became familiar. They became my normal without me even really noticing.
So you see, I was surprised. Not that my move made me miss my home, my family, or my home-life. I was expecting to miss those things. But that it made me miss my patient life, my cancer life, my normal.
I think it makes sense when you think about it that way, to miss being sick. It’s natural to feel emotional when you go through a big change, just like it’s natural to adapt to those changes whether you are aware of it or not. Over time, we adjust and we heal, it is just human nature.
Just some thoughts..